Resentment and bitterness
Chapter 7

by Gini Crawford, MSW

The cow in our mind - resentment

What does resentment mean exactly? It is an unhealthy attitude of persistent anger, displeasure or ill will towards someone. It has the idea - to feel again or reexperience something over and over. People with resentment keep chewing and regurgitating the offense in their minds, much like a cow who keeps chewing and regurgitating their grassy meal (cud). The more a person rehearses the offense the more it grabs hold of their mind, bringing long term psychological, physical and spiritual anguish if forgiveness doesn't stop the cycle.

Resentment kills a fool... / The godless in heart harbor resentment... Job 5:2; 36:13 NIV^®

To be humorous: to forgive gets the cow out of your mind. Is a cow in your mind?

Resentment and bitterness

We can't choose whether or not we will be hurt. The words and actions of others are out of our control. We can be kind but there is no guarantee it will be reciprocated. But we can determine how to respond to the hurt.

Resentment is a sinful negative attitude people have toward someone, and bitterness is the accompanying inner feeling. Resentment-bitterness (RB) can creep into any relationship through unspoken grievances, unmet expectations, unresolved disagreements and much worse things, creating a psychological roadblock that is hard to get passed. We can harbor RB grudges for years, thinking our mental punishment of our husband, mother, friend, boss etc. will even the score. Yet, what this unforgiving attitude is really doing is eating away at our lives, stealing our joy, and eroding our peace, while wrecking other relationships and creating an ungodliness in us. Prayerfully release the sin of resentment, and your mind will be free to experience God's strength, truth, wisdom, joy and gladness (Psalm 51:6-10).

For I see that you are full of bitterness and captive to sin. / Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. / Make every effort to live in peace with everyone...See to it that no one falls short of the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many. Acts 8:23; Ephesians 4:31; Hebrews 12:14-15 NIV^®

As Christians, if you want relief from past hurts, make sure sin is out of your life. Yes, it was probably another who produced psychological anguish in the first place. But it can be your sin of unforgiveness or other sins that keep the distress going. Allowing God to get sin out of your life makes you close to Him - giving you His strength to cope with your hurt. As Christians, the Holy Spirit lives within us giving us the power and desire to not sin if we let Him (Romans 8:1-4).

Life Application

Deal with your anger quickly

The way to deal with resentment is to appropriately handle the anger or hurt that came first. In many cases when there is anger, hurt is in the back of it. Anger is a normal response to life's frustrating or difficult situations (Mark 3:1-5). Anger can range from slight irritation to crazed fury. It can be excessive for the situation, such as a parent angrily screaming when a child didn’t sweep the floor right. Anger can blind you to your part in the situation, such as maybe she is being mean because you haven't been nice either. Be aware unchecked anger can make you behave in ways you wouldn't otherwise behave, causing you to say and do very hurtful or harmful things – making you the offender. Read Proverbs 16:32.

Biblical communication. James 1:19-20 says, "My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires." Truly listen to understand others, and not blame or attack. Purposely speak with kindness. Don't let anger build - forgive – because our anger doesn't produce the righteousness that God desires.

Fools give full vent to their rage, but the wise bring calm in the end. Proverbs 29:11 NIV^®

The Bible and anger. Ephesians 4:26-27 says, "In your anger do not sin: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry and do not give the devil a foothold." Remember, anger is a normal response. It's normal to be angry for a short period of time, but it becomes sin when it starts controlling you, instead of letting God control you. Be aware, sin opens the door for you to be following the devils schemes (1 John 3:8).

You might have every right to be angry, but if you keep anger long term, it never produces righteousness. What are practical steps you can take to stop your anger, and forgive? Read Psalm 4:1, 4-5, 37:8; Ephesians 4:26-27, 31-32; Colossians 3:13-14; James 1:19-20.

Prayer: Dear Jesus, my grandmother seems to always be critical. I can't please her. Help me to not let resentment build in my mind against her. Let me not get angry at her comments but be patient and kind.