Psychological distress and forgiveness
Chapter 8
by Gini Crawford, MSW
Forgiveness starts in the mind
Thoughts are the mental processes we create in our minds, while feelings are the emotional responses of those thoughts. If your thoughts are thinking, "I hate her", you will most likely be feeling hatred. If you are thinking, "she needs grace", you will probably be feeling sympathy. Let your mind be guided by God's Word, and godly feelings such as peace, compassion, love, mercy, and caring will help you to forgive. (Mark 7:20-23; Philippians 4:6-9).
We are told in 2 Corinthains 10:5 to "demolish arguments...that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ." We need to not let our minds dwell on things that are ungodly, but confine our thoughts to what Jesus would want – forgiving others is one of those thoughts. As Christians, we have Jesus' mind through His Spirit living within (1 Corinthians 2:15-16). To forgive, we need to ask God for the self-discipline to think His way about the person.
Forgiving and forgetting
God forgives and forgets; but our minds, and yes feelings, don't always forget, even after we forgive. Forgiving the offense, stops resentment from building but it can still be hard to get the memory out of our heads. Our minds are hit daily with psychological distresses - your friend unfriending you, your sister insulting you, injustice at work, a critical comment or two and so on. Then there are those traumatic ones that don't come often, but when they do it can affect you for the rest of your life. Whatever the source, if it bothers you, it can leave an memory-imprint in the brain making it hard to forget and get past. The more traumatic the event for you, the stronger the memory will be in your mind. People find that their mind returns over and over to an upsetting event, almost as if on a loop. It feels like the brain is trying to make sense of the experience, or get over it, and it is.
If you have forgiven the offense, you will find that it is easier to move past it. This is because an attitude of forgiveness has your mind letting go of the offense instead of hanging onto it. It makes sense, doesn't it? Be kind to yourself; forgiving is a process like learning is.
Just to make you aware: Our thinking changes but our feelings may take a while to catch up with our new mindset of thinking. Our minds, thank goodness, do memory-imprint good events and things. Honestly, we should compel our minds to think of the good in life more than the bad.
Forgiveness and feelings
Your feelings aren't the best indicator of forgiveness. If something hurts you tremendously, maybe even a minor slight, that feeling of hurt may hang around even if you have forgiven it. At times, "a hurt of the heart" can be more distressing than physical hurt. Your feelings can be whispering hurt, so it is hard to feel you have forgiven the offender. When you are just feeling hurt, purposely get your mind involved and ask questions like, "Did I really forgive that person? Do I still want to get even or get revenge?" If you have forgiven the person, you will more likely have peace because you are in God’s will, and your mind is ruminating less on the offense. Remember, God wants you to forgive, so His Spirit will show you if you are still in an unforgiveness mode. (John 14:26-27).
Denying your hurt doesn't help
Denial doesn't heal hurts. In psychology, denial is a person's choice to deny reality as a way to avoid an uncomfortable truth. We can't erase a hurt by pretending it didn't happen. This is because if we don't recognize hurts and work through them mentally they just kind of fester. Can you relate?
Denying a traumatic offense happens more readily because just thinking about it is hard. Trauma denial can result in odd flashbacks popping up in your minds from triggers. Here is an example: A friend of mine was raped by her father as a child. She had put the rape event out of her mind but was experiencing odd flashbacks especially when seeing a red shirt. She thought she was going insane, but finally realized through counseling, her father had a red shirt on when he raped her. A red shirt triggered her mind to the event. On the positive side, our minds have happy triggers too that bring good memories, such as smelling cookies baking triggering thoughts of fond family times.
We need to process difficult events by squarely facing them, recognizing the hurt and anger from the offense, then choosing to forgive – it is a progression. My friend, chose to forgive her father through counseling. She told me forgiveness gave her peace. If you are needing to forgive a traumatic situation you will probably need to process what happened with a decent Christian counselor. As we talked about, it is easy to deny trauma, so godly professional help can help you to process then forgive and get past it.
Remember, Jesus and His love are always there for us, to help us overcome the most traumatic situations.
... If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all — how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. Who then is the one who condemns? No one. Christ Jesus who died — more than that, who was raised to life...is also interceding for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? As it is written: "For your sake we face death all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered." No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.... Romans 8:31-39 NIV®
Life Application
God's healing
Seek God's healing. Don't let your mind wander down imaginary paths that lead to feelings of imagined hopelessness or uncalled-for anger. Take your thoughts captive and transform them through God's Word. Becoming aware of God's will for you in His Word will untangle hurtful thoughts, allowing you to see more clearly the truth of the situation and His plans of good for you. Stay in continual communication with God. Honestly tell Him what you're thinking and feeling. He already knows but wants to hear, help and heal. Ask Him to lead you to Bible verses that will give you the desire and strength to get over the hurt and let go of it. (Psalm 4:1; Jeremiah 29:1; Romans 8:26-28; Hebrews 4:12-13, 15-16).
Lord my God, I called to you for help, and you healed me. Psalm 30:20 NIV®
God’s Word will show you how to deal with trials in a godly way. It will remind you that God is with you, lovingly getting you through your hurts in life. Here are some Bible passages that have encouraged me as I struggle through trials: Psalm 4:1-5, 8; Psalm 16:5-8; Psalm 23; Psalm 139; Psalm 91; Proverbs 3:5-8; Isaiah 40:29-31; Isaiah 49:13-16; Jeremiah 29:11; Zephaniah 3:17; Mark 10:42-45; Luke 6:31, 35-38, 41-42; Luke 9:23; John 13:34-35; Romans 5:1-5; Romans 8:26-28; Romans 8:31-39; 2 Corinthians 4:16-18; 2 Corinthians 12:7-10; Ephesians 3:20; Ephesians 4:31-32; Philippians 4:6-9; Philippians 4:12-13; Hebrews 4:14-16; Hebrews 12:1-11; James 1:2-5; James 3:13-18.
Write down some Bible passages that you have found help you to deal with the hurts of life.
Jesus died to heal us from psychological distress too. Read Isaiah 53:4-5. Come boldly to Jesus asking him to heal your troubled mind and feelings. He died to heal you. Share your insights on this passage about Jesus.
Prayer: Dear Jesus, my grief and sorrows You took upon Yourself on the cross. Your punishment gave me Your peace. Your wounds bought healing to my psychological wounds. As You suffered for me, let me give my suffering to you, so I can forgive.