Forgiveness in relationships
Chapter 9
by Gini Crawford, MSW
Our expectations
My aunt expected people to say or do kind things by her definition of kindness, or she would get offended or hurt. She was right we should be kind. However, at times we think we are kind, helpful, generous, loving, patient, good, etc., but the other person thinks we are offensive. Can you relate? I can. Being offended or hurt in the sphere of relationships is a constant possibility, because we can all view things differently, so forgiveness in relationships is a must.
My aunt had a number of unreasonable expectations. Here is one: She thought everyone younger than her, or if she was their boss at work, should address her by saying, "yes ma'am." If they didn't she would get in a huff. Thinking of it now makes me smile. I thought it was ridiculous. Unreasonable standards on how people should act, can lead to resentment in your life. Are your expectations too high for people to meet? If they are, prayerfully ask God for His wisdom to adjust your expectations on people (James 1:5).
Do you feel people are always letting you down? If we are truthful to ourselves, and we need to be, everyone lets us down at times. Yet, if we let what people do or not do drive us to not forgive, we can easily be on a roller coaster ride of resentment throughout our lives. In other words, you will not be a happy person if you have high or unreasonable expectations of people and then refuse to forgive them if they don't meet those expectations.
Oddities of unforgiveness
A woman accused me of something that I didn't do and got mad at me, while the person standing by me was the one who had done it. She knew this. I was offended, but the blaming was so crazy that when I got away it struck me as funny. At seventy going on to seventy-one and having a counseling degree, I have seen and heard some odd things people do or think, and then won't forgive. Here are a few odd unforgiveness scenarios that you need to take notice of so you don't do them:
Selective unforgiveness: Someone can eagerly forgive one person but refuse to forgive another person for the same offense. A woman forgave her father for lying to her but wouldn't forgive her mother for the same lie. I believe scenarios like this happen because people build up resentment from past things, so when another offense happens, it is not forgiven either. Forgive wrongs, so you don't let resentment build, making you do, think or say some irrational and ungodly things. (Proverbs 17:9).
Imagined offense: People can hate someone over wrong assumptions and refuse to forgive them. The sweetest woman in our church was hated by her parents. I asked her why after she shared their hatred in a Bible study. She said on Thanksgiving a few years ago, her parents accused her of stealing a family heirloom. She told them she didn't know what they were talking about. They wouldn't even explain to her what family heirloom she supposedly had taken. Needless to say, they have resentment towards their daughter over an imagined offense. We need to gain wisdom about others by open and honest communication and not let what we think or imagine cultivate unforgiveness. (Proverbs 21:2-3; James 1:19-20, 3:13-18).
Overly sensitive: Years ago a friend got mad at me because she said I looked disappointed when she was sharing. I told her I really enjoyed what she said. She wouldn't believe me. The situation almost killed our friendship. She finally realized she was reading my non-verbal wrong and apologized.
Ask God to help you to clearly see the truth in a situation, to recognize the real offense and apply God's wisdom to deal with it in a godly manner.
Life Application
Peace from Jesus
Supernatural peace is found in Jesus Christ. Jesus is our good shepherd (John 10:11). As you struggle with psychological distress, remember He is right there with you wanting to lead and protect you. He wants the best for you. Look up these verses talking about peace in our lives through Jesus: Psalm 4:8; John 14:25-27; 16:33; Acts 10:36; Romans 1:7, 5:1; Philippians 4:6-9. Always bring your hurt to Jesus. He brings real peace.
Think of when your mind is at peace. Your mental distress is gone. Your mind is bathed in calmness like Psalm 23:1-3 illustrates: "The Lord is my shepherd... He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he refreshes my soul..." When our minds are at peace, our whole being is, so we are better able to respond to the ups and downs of life. Read Psalm 23. Remember, your Shepherd Jesus is with you caring, protecting and leading as a shepherd does. Unburden yourself by pouring out your distressed heart to Him.
Having compassion for those who have wronged you and forgiving them will give you peace, and a sense of closure because you are doing God's will. In a TV interview a man said, "I knew the only way to not drown in grief after my son was killed, was letting go of my anger and grabbing Jesus' peace in forgiveness." The interviewer was touched by his compassion. If this man can show compassion, we can too with Jesus' help.
A person's wisdom yields patience; it is to one's glory to overlook an offense. Proverbs 19:11 NIV®
Dear Jesus, don't let me be the offender by creating or imagining offenses against me that didn't happen. Let me see the reality in each relational situation, showing compassion not judgement.