Forgiving is difficult
Chapter 14

by Gini Crawford, MSW

Forgiving the unforgiving

Can you really forgive anyone for anything? I know some things are humanly impossible to forgive, such as forgiving the person that got your son hooked on drugs, the parent that raped you, the person that murdered your father, the friend that betrayed you, and I could go on and on. I know what you are probably thinking, "You can forgive a person for trivial things such as forgetting your birthday. But how can you forgive someone who killed your child?" There are some wrongs that are done to us that are humanly impossible to forgive. Some forgiving can only come through God's supernatural power found in the Holy Spirit living within us (Acts 1:8; Ephesians 3:16, 20).

...This is the word of the Lord to Zerubbabel: "Not by might nor by power, but by my Spirit," says the Lord Almighty... Zechariah 4:6-7 NIV^®

Some people who you forgive, you may not want a relationship with (example - the man who tried to set you on fire). God understands that and doesn't want you to be friends with people that harm you. But we still can forgive a person while not being in a relationship with them. This is because forgiveness is you making the decision to let go of the offense from yourself, but not condoning what they did. It has nothing to do with the offender.

Life Application

God's boundaries in relationships

Forgiving the man who killed her child and then having a friendship with the man was supernatural. In Rwanda, a man wielding a machete killed a woman's child, and cut off her hand while doing it. Years later, this same woman decided to give mercy to the man that killed her child, and as a result she forgave him. Now they are friends serving the God that gave them both mercy and forgiveness through the death of God's Son. Perhaps many would think, her relational boundaries aren't wise since she became friends with a man who killed her child. Whether we agree with her choice of boundaries or not, it's crystal clear she is trusting in God's safekeeping, not her past abuse.

Often when we talk about boundaries, we focus primarily on our needs, but the Bible doesn't encourage us to prioritize our desires. But to be loving and self-sacrificing like Jesus (Mark 10:42-45). We are called as Christians to take up our cross and follow Jesus. Dealing with hard relationships is very much a part of that sacrificial attitude. (Luke 9:23). God may call us to do something incredibly difficult such as forgiving as the woman above did.

Some Biblical suggestions for relationships:

Consider what response is most Christlike towards a person or situation. In abuse situations, boundaries are necessary, but most relationships we struggle in, aren't abuse. Discerning a godly response is important but may not be simple. It can be hard to know how to respond to some discouraging situations: Your father gossips. You apologize but she won't forgive you. Your friend lies. Your brother is unreliable. The pastor cursed at you. You thought you were being nice but a friend thought you were mean. I could go on. We need God's wisdom to know how to respond in a godly manner. Read James 1:5, 3:13-18.

Keep in mind what the Bible says about relationships. Loving others is the right place to start with any relationship. Here's some Biblical examples: Mark 12:29-31; 1 Corinthains 13:4-7; Ephesians 4:31-5:2; Colossians 3:12-15.

Recognize you are a sinner and can offend or hurt others. If this attitude shapes your thinking – the offering of forgiveness will be there when someone hurts or offends you. Read Luke 6:31, 37-38, 41-42; Galatians 6:1.

Realize we all have limitations and commitments that affect relationships. We can't be everything to everyone. There is school, work, caring for kids, health problems, ministry responsibilities, limited resources and so on. God has given us these limitations and commitments so don't get stressed, prioritize what God has given you to do and trust Him. Our job is to please God first. Read Proverbs 19:21; Galatians 1:10.

God might be using difficult relationships to mature you in Jesus. Remember personal discomfort isn’t a good reason to avoid an action that honors God and loves others. Seek godly counsel if you are struggling with a relationship. Read Proverbs 19:20.

Stop neglecting the one perfect relationship that will give you the joy you want - Jesus. Whenever you feel joyless, the problem is you are probably focused on wanting that perfect human companionship. Focus on Jesus, Who loved you so much He stepped out of eternity to serve and love you, and your other relationships will be better for it. Read Philippians 2:1-8. What are your insights from Philippians 2:1-8?

Dear Jesus, help me to want to be loving and self-sacrificing towards people, even when my mind and feelings are saying the opposite. Help me to act towards people as You would.