Forgiveness leads to restoration
Chapter 16
by Gini Crawford, MSW
Forgiveness restores
Forgiveness leads to restoration in every kind of relationship. We bought a hundred year old house in Idaho that needed restoration. We knew it needed a lot of repair, but as life is, it needed more than we thought. To restore anything takes work and time. Every relationship we have will need some work and time in the area of forgiveness to make it healthy. When you won't at least work on forgiving someone, you are saying to that person, "you aren't worth my kindness and love". And believe me, you can't hide resentment towards a person. It will come out in your words and actions one way or another. Forgiveness is worth the work and time it takes! (Colossians 3:12-14).
Finally, brothers and sisters, rejoice! Strive for full restoration, encourage one another, be of one mind, live in peace. And the God of love and peace will be with you. / Brothers and sisters, if someone is caught in a sin, you who live by the Spirit should restore that person gently. But watch yourselves, or you also may be tempted. 2 Corinthians 13:11; Galatians 6:1 NIV®
A woman in her 80's said to her nurse, "I carried resentment for decades towards my daughter's friend. I felt she let my daughter drown when they both fell into a frozen lake. My daughter's friend visited me the other day. She has struggled with forgiving herself these many decades, and was so sorry. Through hearing her story of the event, I realized I had carried anger towards her for no reason, because she tried her best to save my daughter. Neither could swim. I should have communicated with her decades ago and forgiven her. I tormented myself for years for no reason."
Apologizing factor
Our sins can certainly wound others. Words come that cut and damage. Our temper can flare hurting. We tell lies harming reputations. Temptation wins and our desires injure. Addictions control so we wound. We hate so are cruel. Our selfishness hurts. As sinners we can offend, hurt, harm or even much worse, so asking for forgiveness is a must as a Christian.
How to apologize: Honestly acknowledge the wrongs you've done and how they have affected others. If you're truly sorry for something you've said or done, then reach out to those you've harmed. Speak of your regret. Ask for forgiveness without making excuses. Remember, you can't force someone to forgive you. Whatever happens, commit to treating the person you have offended with compassion, empathy and respect. When you apologize, whether the person forgives you or not, you are doing God's will so He will bless you. (Psalm 51:17; Ecclesiastes 1:18; Luke 6:31, 41-42; Romans 12:21).
Life Application
Restoring a relationship
At times something happens that we have no control over, such as rape, abuse, violence etc. These offenses are very one sided and restoring a relationship with this person is complicated. So seek a decent Christian counselor to first restore your psychological health.
Some suggestions for healing a relationship:
Strive to understand reality in a difficult relationship. Relationships can have misunderstandings in them: She said this, I think. He did that, I believe. You might think, the person slandered you but the truth is she didn't, you just thought she did. Ask yourself questions like: Did he really say or do that? Am I fabricating problems? Am I being loving and reasonable? Are my expectations too high or not high enough? I can be sensitive. So sometimes I need to ask myself, "Am I dealing with what truly happened or am I being overly sensitive?" God knows everything about you and the troubled relationship. Ask Him to help you understand what's really happening in the relationship. It's senseless to be hurt or angry over something that didn't happen. Have open and honest communication with the person. Be loving. Don't assume they thought this, said or did that, or felt a certain way. Read Psalm 51:6, 139:1-4; Proverbs 2:9-11; Matthew 7:7-11; Colossians 1:9-10; James 1:19-20.
Consider your blame in the troubled relationship. Be honest with yourself. I have found in my life and the lives of others, in most cases, we all contribute to problems in relationships. A Christian should examine their words-actions-motives towards others. Ask yourself questions like, "What did I do or didn't do to cause this relationship to be unfriendly, distant, difficult etc. Was I mean, unloving, selfish, envious, critical or disparaging?" Hurting someone makes you a stumbling block, possibly leading to a domino effect of sin in another's life. Apologizing stops that domino effect and brings healing. Forgiving can stop the vicious cycle of sin in both the offender and offended lives. Read Psalm 139:23-24; Luke 6:41-42, 17:1-3; Romans 2:1-3, 14:13. Are you a stumbling block in the troubled relationship? If you are, then apologize and seek healing.
Be a forgiver in every relationship. You have learned forgiving has two sides: First side is forgiving others. The flip side is apologizing. I can wrestle with trying to forgive someone until they come to me with those life-changing words, "I am sorry" and my hurt or anger seem to melt away. Can you relate? On the flip side, do you forgive when someone asks for forgiveness? As you know, you need to. When someone asks for forgiveness, the loving thing to do is say, "I forgive you." Believe me, forgiveness unlocks relational healing. I have experienced it in my own life. If an attitude of forgiveness isn't in a relationship, then that relationship will not be close. Read Romans 12:18-21; Galatians 6:1; Colossians 3:12-14.
My grandmother criticized me and when confronted she said, “she was just being truthful”. Yes, that hurt. So in my relationship with her, I would have to tell her at times her truth wasn’t truth about me or another. Yes, it was wearing but she did get used to me saying that and actually started listening. Sorry to say I never had a close relationship with her, but we were on amiable terms. Explain a relationship that was difficult to deal with, but you still built a relationship with the person.
Dear Jesus, let me always be willing to look at my own sinful heart first so I will clearly know that I need forgiveness, so in turn I will be willing to forgive.